The Most Vexing Season

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Autumn throws me into chaos.

I love it and at the same time I thoroughly dislike it. The quiet time to reflect is both a release that I relish and a burden I sometimes cannot bear.

There is freedom and a strange danger in realizing what you actually want out of life. You’re forced to either act, or, remain where you’re at. And that feeling is the most vexing feeling. If you act, you are a courageous warrior person who knows what they want and that’s amazing. But also terrifying. If you don’t act, you’re a coward and complacent and someone that is happy with possibly less than what you deserve. But you’re comfortable. And that’s terrifying.

Consciousness is the worst.

Summer comes along and brings with it this radiant glow. Plants are fruitful. Life feels abundant. Your soul is warm (or at least most of the time mine is). Colors are vibrant. The physical world is full of light.

And then autumn comes along and reminds us that winter and it’s darkness is slowly approaching (a subtle death analogy). Plants gradually start to transform. The air gets a chill that is initially a welcome event, but then turns too cold for comfort. Thoughts start directing inward instead of outward towards the sun. And with this inward glance, the spirit is once again called on to ask the questions:

“Is this the life I want?”

“Am I the person I want to be?”

Whether you are a complacent comfy person or a courageous warrior, or rather, a bit of both like I am, you still must answer the questions. If your answer is leaning more towards “no,”, well, then you must re-evaluate. This reevaluation is both exciting and a huge mountain of self to climb; daunting in it’s scope.

Lately, in the past couple seasons of life I have been answering “no” to both questions. Ugh.

And so the work begins.

But lets talk more another time. It’s 5pm and I need another coffee.


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